The proud book guru for a new website!!

I am the book guru for a soon to be live site called Not Your Average Wives all about the world from a young wives point of view. We have everything from fashion and celeb gossip to cooking and mommy tips! We also are very much about showing support for our troops and law enforcement so we will be featuring a fallen hero’s wall and a column all about the positives from our over seas servicemen. I am very excited to be able to contribute to this amazing site and can’t wait for it to go live.

Seriously the media has got to stop making us bi-polars sound so nuts!

So Britney is bi-polar according to everyone in her life. If she is I feel for her because it sucks and yes when you are in a manic you don’t see that you are acting bonkers. I just hate the generalizations. “All bi-polar people behave this way” drives me nuts. If you aren’t taking care of yourself or aware of the issue then sure you can act nuts but not ALL bi-polar people act that way. I am no where near that crazy.

Then that poor missing marine from camp lejeune. Pregnant and bi-polar and her family comes out talking about how crazy she can be and blah blah blah then ooops we find out that the prick who raped her probably killed her and she is buried in a shallow grave. Just because she is bi-polar does not mean that going missing was a product of that. Her family should be in Oslo county searching for her and for clues and they should be expressing nothing but concern instead of bashing her mental state and then discovering that maybe if they had actually given her some credit she could be alive. They brushed her off as bi-polar rather than taking anything she said and moving on it. Now she is probably dead and it could have been prevented if she hadn’t been written off as a wack job bi-polar pregnant nut.

Yes those with bi-polar can be violent. They can lie and manipulate, they can hide from reality even when it bites them in the rear, they can seem sane one second and then seem deserving of a white jacket and padded room the next but that doesn’t mean that they should always be discounted if they have upsets or concerns. We are people too. We can get raped just as easily as anyone else, we can get assaulted and abused sometimes even more easily because we will trust anyone given the right mood. Being bi-polar does not give us immunity from life’s woes and I am sick of hearing crud like that.

Why can one tone of voice make me feel like a stupid child?

So I was enjoying my day (though aggravated by the dumb stain I got on my white shirt) with my gorgeous husband and beautiful daughter. We went to see the new National Treasure (which was wonderful) and were just having fun being together then I notice I missed a call from my dad. Well I figure he is calling about the dinner I am putting on for us tomorrow (us being my little fam, my brother, my dad and step-mom, and my Bil) and confirming everything so I call him back. He teases me a bit about the fact I am making organic slow-cooker roast with veggies. Nifty right? Then he gets THE tone. The one that says I will not like what he has to say and he doesn’t really care if I like it. It never fails that this tone flashes me back to being a child and getting punished for something weird that I didn’t realize was bad until I got punished for it and to others probably wouldn’t be seen as bad at all. Now I have no problem giving in to his request, he is my Dad and if this is important to him then cool deal. It is more that he uses the tone and that it completely ruins my mood. I swear it never fails. I can be on cloud 9 and one convo with the tone and I am back to being depressed and moody and quiet. My dr says that like addicts my moods have triggers and sure I get that but how do you really combat those triggers. How do you stop years of reactions? How do you stop letting it impact you? I have yet to find the answer. It drives Joey up a wall when this happens for a few reasons. 1- He has, for over 8 years, shown me that I am a good woman, a good mom, a good wife, that I am beautiful and smart and someone to be proud of and yet with a sentence from my father that doesn’t seem to enter my head, and 2- He hates to see me upset or hurt. Seriously he reminds me of the men in a good steamy romance. Protective and possessive and very violent in both. Not violent in the sense you might think, but in the emotions that rush through his eyes, in the fierceness of his hugs and the way he braces to save me from all comers. I adore him for it because growing up there was no one who protected me like he does. I hate that there is a need for this protectiveness. I think that if he were nearby when the tone was used he would deck my father and have no regrets despite the things my father has done for us. I would probably let him in that moment with the utter despondency that pours through my mind and the complete self-bashing failure that follows it. I just want a miracle cure. I want to be able to block my emotions from responding to my father. I hate being reduced to a child. I hate the fact that I feel the need to brace myself for something bad every time I am going to be near him. I despise that I still seem to want his approval even though I am realizing I will never get it. Grrrrrr…..

Sometimes it is better to let go.

So over the last 2 weeks I have learned more about me and the woman I have become. We went to the aid of a family member as we always do and ended up being lied to and about. Through this I realized I am a whole lot more mature than I thought. When faced with an attacking letter my first reaction was human. I wanted to tell the person to go to hell. Then I realized that put me at her level and demeaned not only me but my husband and the faith he has in me. So I sent a polite and truthful email back. I can even get what she wrote to me. If my husband said to me what she was told by hers I would feel the same way. Of course if my husband was a cheating liar I might think twice because if he lied about one thing he probably lied about more things. Anyway I then told the family member exactly how I felt and why I felt it and bid them adieu as well. I don’t need to deal with childish crap. The week was full of tears and stress but it taught me that I am more giving and forgiving than I thought and that I am really strong enough to do what I need to to be happy in my life. It really reminded me of my blessings. I have a man that adores me to distraction and a daughter who calls me her bestest angel. I have the best group of friends. When I need them they jump to support me and lift me higher than I was before whatever challenge I faced. I have more than most women dream. Thinking on my blessings and the events of the past while has helped me realize that sometimes we have to let go. We have to put people from our lives who do nothing but pollute it. It is okay to say no. It is okay to distance yourself from people that can’t or won’t grow up.

Coming out of the fog.

So I am coming out of the fog and into the light again. I feel like the past week has been a roller-coaster of thoughts and feelings. Joey and I are going to look into our fertility and see what we need to do to get the baby maker back in tip top shape which will be wonderful. I have a few friends who are trying for their own babies so maybe we will be preggie’s together. Bug needs a sister. (though i think she would accept a brother a sister is what she asks for, lol) Tomorrow i will go to church and give my soul some food to help with the last of my emergence back into the light. Then I will come home and set my home to rights as the weeks moods and issues have left me with little energy for cleaning. I will start a brand new week with my head held high and putting the evils of the past week behind me. I have a wonderful life to live, a beautiful child to cuddle and the most amazing man on the planet. I don’t need anything else and I refuse to be pulled into the drama any longer.

A Parent’s Love

So the past few days I have thought about what it really means to truly love your child like you should. It isn’t about how much money you spend on them or the brand of clothes they wear. It is about putting them and their needs and wants above your own. I have listened alot lately to women who say they love their children and I think that they do, just not in the way they should. When you love your child the way you should you would willingly be tortured and killed if it meant that they were safe, you would willingly go to jail to keep them safe, you would give everything you own and live in a cardboardbox on a frozen lake to make sure that your child has food in their belly’s, that they are healthy and loved. You would give them to someone else if there was even a smidgen of doubt that you were able to give them everything. Would it hurt to give a child up? Damn straight, and the fact that it hurts is testimony to the true mother’s love flowing in your veins. Children are helpless, they can’t work to provide food for themselves, they can’t cook a meal or clean a house spotless so it is our duty to work for them, to clean and feed them, to give them the moon and stars. I hate hearing about women who claim to love their children yet leave them in situations that could kill them. Seriously if you love your child and you just aren’t having luck giving that child everything they need then either do more or give that child to someone who will do what it takes. I have had moments where I wondered if I was doing the best for my daughter, where I have wondered if she is happy enough and safe enough and I know that if I ever was convinced that she were lacking and that the best thing to do would be to walk away from her then I would be gone so fast. She is my world and she deserves everthing. If you don’t have that kind of love for your child then you do not deserve to be a mother.

Baby Fever

So I have baby fever and I have for a long while now. I can’t really talk to Joey about it because he doesn’t feel it like I do and it makes him feel pressured or whatever. I feel like a piece of my heart is still missing and my arms are so empty. I know I should be thankful for having the child I do, and I am incredibly thankful but the feeling that our family is not complete haunts me all the time. Every month as I watch the calendar my hopes will rise and then every month that I get my period my heart breaks. The irrational fear that I am being punished somehow for my horrible teen years dogs me at every turn. The tears flow freely when no one is watching and I feel as if the world is not as bright as it should be. I know some couples are never blessed with children and I have been given the gift of an amazing daughter and I love her so much, but I can’t seem to help feeling this way. I am scared to even hold a baby anymore because it hurts so bad to put it down or give it back. I know I am crazy. I am so blessed in the life I have and so loved but I still feel like something is wrong and is missing. Every time a friend or family member gets pregnant I am so incredibly happy for them and in that secret part of me I am so jealous that my eyes should be green instead of brown.  I hate this feeling. I think part of me feels worthless now that Bug is in school. My whole life is about being a mom and a wife and now for part of the day I am alone and aimless. My calling is to nurture my child and whit her growing into her own life and world every day I feel like a part of me has become useless. I know it makes no sense, my feelings rarely do, but I hurt so bad that I can hardly stand it. We don’t even know why we aren’t pregnant, it could just be that we haven’t gotten when I ovulate right, but I feel like something is wrong, like I am being cursed for long made right mistakes. I have even thought of adoption recently and it is so expensive and could take years before we would actually get a baby that I don’t know if I could stand the torture of it and of knowing that my parenting potential will be judged and criticized and depends on the whims of others. I can see us getting approved and so close and having the baby yanked away at the last moment. I am not sure I could handle that, if fact I know it would really break me. Am I insane? I don’t know but I do know that I will flood the house if I cry to much so I am off to do something besides think about how much I want a baby.

Lexi’s Discovery

Yayyyyy!!! I finished the new book. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I worked my tail off and wrote of 65000 words in 33 days.

Click http://www.kimberlydwalsh.com/Lexi1.html to read the first 5 chapters and let me know what you think.

Prayers, pain , and pissyness

So today was testimony meeting at church. For those non-mormonites that means people get up and share about their beliefs. So a woman got up and talked about prayers and how sometimes our prayers are answered in ways we didn’t want or expect but they end up being exactly what we needed. I realized this applied to my life in recent days. Right before Thanksgiving I was feeling very overwhelmed. I was writing a full length novel in a month, doing pages for work, taking care of my family and life. I love being busy but when I feel manic the busy starts to panic me. So I prayed for a way to get some much needed rest. So what happens? I get sick. Not a normal cold and achy sick but full on can’t swallow, can’t talk, can’t breath sick. I was drugged up. Husband is so worried he keeps me in bed. He even went grocery shopping for me, which he never does. So while it was not exactly what I had in mind when I prayed it sure got the point across.

As to pain. I hate seeing people I love in pain. A woman I adore was diagnosed with skin cancer. It was on her cheek. She is a gorgeous woman so getting it removed has her whole cheek inflamed and she is so self-conscious. I wanted to make it better. Even after chemo and all of that she went to church and held her head high and showed me true strength.

Another person I love is facing a very scary thing soon. I hate how stressed he is and how it affects everything he does. If I could go through all of this for him I would. I would do about anything to lift this burden for him, despite how scary it is. So he has filled my thoughts and prayers every moment of every day. His pain is my pain and I can’t wait till it is behind him.

When people I love hurt I hurt. Most never see it because I pull out my hidden strength to life them above whatever they are going through. It is on of the joys of my life to be able to be there for the people that mean so much to me.

Now to pissyness. I am wanting to kick a wall. For some reason Bug has this major whine lately. Over everything. It is like she can’t help but get that tone in her voice that sounds worse than nails on a chalk board. bleck.

Finally I am so blessed in my life to be surrounded by amazing people no matter what I am doing. It could be my family, my church friends, my online friends, or my soul sisters. All of them add to the completion of my spirit.

To the one woman who is facing her own stress right now – stop worrying about me and how I will handle things. You are amazing and will get through this. You can count on me. I will life you up if you need it, I will scream with you when the pressure is to much. I will dry your tears. Let me be there for you whenever the mood strikes and don’t put my moods or worrywart status deter you from coming to me. I love you.

Hate and the hope that follows.

Hate is a strong word isn’t it? It can encompass so many thoughts and feelings, so many moments we can never take back. I have things I hate though. I hate being used. Why use someone who has always given nothing but love? It makes little sense to me but then I guess not everyone sees the me I am. I hate being lied to. Be honest. Seriously, it will save heartache to just be honest. Plus I won’t look at you like you have turned to the sludge in the bottom of a swamp. I hate being asked for my opinion and then bashed for it. If you want honesty don’t ask me cause I will tell you what I think not what you want to hear. I hate being supportive and then being judged for it. Don’t ask for my help unless my help is what you need. I am thoughtful. I have dang good instincts. Sure I can stick my foot in my mouth sometimes but if you shut up for a second and actually listen to what I have to say you might learn something. I hate disloyalty. Creating something with me and then pushing it into my lap when it bores you is not even close to cool. I hate being bored. I need to have many different things on my plate or I go insane. I hate rejection but am more used to it than I should be. I hate being sick it doesn’t suit me. I hate being alone at night with the world so dangerous and time rushing by. I hate dreaming because even when it starts great it usually goes bad and I wake up sweating, shaking and alone. I hate seafood. It is usually slimy and fishy and gross. I hate when I want to do something sweet for the man I love and nothing is cooperating. I hate getting up in the morning after a sleepless night. I hate cleaning the litter box. I hate that the woman I am gets ignored while I am judged on the woman you think I am. I have more emotions than there are letters in the alphabet.

I also love so many things. I love that first rush of joy when my husband walks through the door and smiles at me. I love butterfly kisses and cuddles on the couch. I love yogurt. I love strawberry lemonade. I love looking into my child’s eyes and seeing a happier version of myself. I love that I have multiple mothers who love me without sharing my DNA. I love God. I love books. I love organic dark chocolate. I love playing Mario with my brother. I love tickle wars and pillow fights. I love tex-mex enchiladas. I love romance movies. I love popcorn dipped in nacho cheese sauce. I love seeing the first snow of the year. I love Halloween and all that it entails. I love to go fishing. I love when my heart skips a beat because my husband’s face flashes across my phone when he calls me. I love that he loves my body. I love how he treasures the woman I am and not what people tell him I should be. I love how he defends me even as he lectures me. I love Pepsi. I love bubble baths. I love roses. I love the ocean and the way it is always moving and changing but it’s core is the same. I love babies. I love coloring a picture to see my child smile. I love how she looks at me and tries to take care of me. I love how she knows when I need her hugs. I love playing dominoes. I love writing. I love dancing so long and hard that I fall to the floor gasping. I love swimming. I love being help like I am the most precious thing on earth. I love my huge crazy family and that more than half share not a shred of my blood but they love me anyway. I love being there for people. I love HTML. I love girlfriends who get me.

On the subject of loving babies I am so incredibly proud to announce the birth of my newest nephew Jeremiah Samuel Black. I am sure he is 7 lbs of pure cuteness and can’t wait to meet him.

Now that I ranted about the bad and remembered the good in my life I am off to write some in my newest novel. Happy December Eve and may you remember your blessings as I do.