So I have baby fever and I have for a long while now. I can’t really talk to Joey about it because he doesn’t feel it like I do and it makes him feel pressured or whatever. I feel like a piece of my heart is still missing and my arms are so empty. I know I should be thankful for having the child I do, and I am incredibly thankful but the feeling that our family is not complete haunts me all the time. Every month as I watch the calendar my hopes will rise and then every month that I get my period my heart breaks. The irrational fear that I am being punished somehow for my horrible teen years dogs me at every turn. The tears flow freely when no one is watching and I feel as if the world is not as bright as it should be. I know some couples are never blessed with children and I have been given the gift of an amazing daughter and I love her so much, but I can’t seem to help feeling this way. I am scared to even hold a baby anymore because it hurts so bad to put it down or give it back. I know I am crazy. I am so blessed in the life I have and so loved but I still feel like something is wrong and is missing. Every time a friend or family member gets pregnant I am so incredibly happy for them and in that secret part of me I am so jealous that my eyes should be green instead of brown. I hate this feeling. I think part of me feels worthless now that Bug is in school. My whole life is about being a mom and a wife and now for part of the day I am alone and aimless. My calling is to nurture my child and whit her growing into her own life and world every day I feel like a part of me has become useless. I know it makes no sense, my feelings rarely do, but I hurt so bad that I can hardly stand it. We don’t even know why we aren’t pregnant, it could just be that we haven’t gotten when I ovulate right, but I feel like something is wrong, like I am being cursed for long made right mistakes. I have even thought of adoption recently and it is so expensive and could take years before we would actually get a baby that I don’t know if I could stand the torture of it and of knowing that my parenting potential will be judged and criticized and depends on the whims of others. I can see us getting approved and so close and having the baby yanked away at the last moment. I am not sure I could handle that, if fact I know it would really break me. Am I insane? I don’t know but I do know that I will flood the house if I cry to much so I am off to do something besides think about how much I want a baby.
